A Lesson in Bullying Well-Learned
(From the online diary of Chris Toy,
principal, Freeport Middle School, Freeport, ME- fall 2001 -posted on www.middleweb.com
and reprinted here by permission of the author)
"This week I had the opportunity to apply some of the information and strategies we've been talking about at school and on the MiddleWeb listserve recently. The staff and students have been working with Stan Davis, a Maine-based guidance counselor and consultant on the issue of bullying. His presentation to the students was very effective. Several 8th grade students participated as Stan's assistants during the grade level assemblies. The most significant thing that came out of it for the students was based on a quote from Martin Luther King, Jr., "In the end it is not the words of our enemies we will remember, but the silence of our friends." The students understood exactly what this meant. They all agreed that when a person is being bullied the most important thing to the victim is what his or her friends do. If they do nothing, the bully has won. What the victims of bullying want most is to know they have friends who will either stand up for them publicly, or support them privately.
The day after the assembly I received an email from a parent. The subject heading was, A student to be proud of. It seems one of the traditions on the sports buses is that 8th grade teams get to sit in the back of the bus while the 7th grade teams sit in the front. This, in itself was not a big deal. The problem arose when the bus stopped for a supper break. The 8th graders insisted that the 7th graders should sit and wait until the 8th graders got off the bus and into the waiting line for supper before getting off the bus. The 7th graders protested saying that this was too much. they appealed to one of the coaches who supported the 8th graders claim as a privilege that goes with being older. One of the 8th grade team members who helped Stan Davis during the assemblies stood up and blocked the aisle, allowing the 7th graders to leave the bus first. I thought this was extraordinary given the peer pressure of not only her team mates, but the willingness of the adults on the bus to go along with the 8th graders. The next morning I called the student in and let her know how impressed I was by her actions. I asked her why she did it. Her reply was that what the 8th grade team did was bullying and that it was stupid. I also called her parents to make sure they knew what she had done and what I thought.
Reinforcing the Message: On Friday, right after lunch, I found three 6th grade boys sitting in the office. One was on the verge of tears, one was sad, and the other seemed unconcerned. I called each boy in alone to determine what had happened. The upset boy explained that he had been teasing his friend, the sad boy. He and the other boy had been singing a made-up song about their friend. The friend got upset and started hitting them with his hat. This first boy realized he had been engaged in bullying behavior and felt very badly. I sent him out and spoke with the victim. He told the same story as his friend and understood that his response was probably not the best one. I brought the last boy in. He understood his role in the incident, but insisted he was "just kidding."
Fortunately, I was able to refer to Stan Davis' assembly which included the message that "just kidding" is not an excuse for unkind behavior. In the course of my discussions with the boys I learned that this teasing had happened in a room with many other students. It was before class, so the teacher only saw the end of it. I recognized this as an opportunity to talk to that class about the role of bystanders in bullying situations. I went to the classroom and asked the teacher if I could have a couple minutes of class time. I asked the class if they were aware of why the three boys were in my office. Most of them knew why and were able to describe exactly what had happened. I then asked them if they remembered what Stan Davis had quoted from Martin Luther King Jr. The class got very quiet and a couple hands went up. They remembered the quote exactly. I simply asked how the quote and what just happened were related. The students understood. I talked a bit about what they might do once the boys returned to class. I closed by asking them what they might do differently the next time they saw teasing or bullying. As I was leaving the room several students thanked me and some even clapped. Were they thankful and relieved? I never felt the need to raise my voice or express disapproval of the boys actions or the bystander's inaction, but I think they understood how important a lesson they had just had.
Finally, borrowing an idea suggested by a MiddleWeb colleague. I introduced a new feature in our weekly newsletter. I asked parents to take the opportunity to talk about a topic with their children each week. This week's topic was bullying. As I made my random weekend calls to parents one parent thanked me for including the topic in the newsletter. She had just had a discussion about bullying and teasing at school with her son. Interesting how sometimes things work out."